How To Be The Perfect Boyfriend

Oh, hello there And welcome to How to Be The Perfect Boyfriend, where you'll learn the skills and techniques to be the best boyfriend you can be

(Growls) Now, if you're a girl watching this, you'll probably just be doing this the whole time Nodding along to the genius that are these tips You're welcome First tip! Be humble No girl wants a cocky guy, nor do they want a cock– a guy that's timid and afraid, like a chicken

So be confident, but stay humble like me, the humblest guy I know in Humblesville Town Be mature The perfect boyfriend? More like the perfect man friend! Because girls don't want a little boy They want a man! It's time to mature Grow up! The next time you hear a fart joke, you hold that laugh in

(farting) (snickering) Hey, man, it's just a natural process of life It's not that funny So because mature men don't laugh at farts, they've matured way past that All the way to (moist fart) Uh oh (panned laughter) Sharts! Be supportive Supporting people is easy, but the perfect boyfriend supports everything she says and does to the very fullest The new girl at work was so irritating again

I just wanna kill her sometimes Yes, do that! Murder her ass – What? – I'll start planning out the route I've already got the gun right here, and then maybe we can – head together around 9:00– – I don't actually want to murder her Exactly! Don't murder anyone – because that would be crazy

– Hey, I'm not crazy The most sane person I know! – Will you stop? – Took the words right outta my mouth Stopping right now Gosh, sometimes you can be such an idiot The dumbest idiot around! I hate me

– Just shut up! – So closed, that's how my mouth is gonna be from now on – Oh my god – God, church, prayer, love it! Somebody please shoot me already! (gunshot) Cute and meaningful nicknames When you're in a relationship for a while, you give each other nicknames, and the last thing you wanna do as the perfect boyfriend is give her a nickname that's generic and has no meaning at all Never call your girlfriend "Baby" because that would make you a pedophile

Don't ever call her "Angel" because she's not dead And please, whatever you do, never call your girlfriend "Bae" Not only is that over-used, but she's not a small part of the ocean where the land curves inwards The perfect boyfriend will come up with the perfect nickname, something cute, something unique, something like – Hey, Ryan – Hello, Fat Boy – What? – My favorite ice cream sandwich! – Oh – Oh, look

– A dirty hoe – Excuse me?! I don't know what that hoe is doing inside It has mud all over it – Hmm – Oh, wow

I didn't even see you come in Come over here, you little bitch! What did you just call me?! (Ryan) You're such a cute female dog! Yes, you are! Who's a cute bitch? Oh, didn't see you come in Hey there, Pedophile! Hey, Baby! Exact opposites In order to be the perfect boyfriend, you have to be attractive to your girl, and they do say that opposites attract Both scientists and people who say that

say that So although you want to be a supportive boyfriend, you also have to be the exact opposite of her, in every single way (G) Oh, I like this outfit

– What do you think? – Ew, I hate that outfit! Really? Maybe I should change then Well, then I think you shouldn't change then But you just said you hated it – Didn't just say I loved it – Are you just saying the opposite of everything I'm saying? I'm not saying the same as nothing you said

OK? KO? – I like the color white – I like the color black – I love oranges – Apples are my favorite

I love to watch The Big Bang Theory I love Friends (Sean) I love How I Met Your Mother You're not even a part of this! And How I Met Your Mother had the worst ending ever You are a part of this, and How I Met Your Mother

yeah, it had the worst ending ever – Hmm – (mocking) Hmm! Get along with her friends

The famous poets, known only as The Spice Girls, once said: If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends Gotta get with my friends Get with my friends With my friends So date all her friends

Stay away from the period When it comes to girls– no, cut-cut the music This one's not even a joke When it comes to a girl's time of the month, for your own safety, just stay away from the topic Don't talk about it, don't mention it, and especially do not make any jokes that has anything to do with her time of the month

Period (spooky music) And last, but not least, comfort her when she's down No matter how perfect of a boyfriend you are, there's gonna be times when your girl is feeling down, or sad, or maybe she's just on her perioooodic table of elements! Ah, see? That was a test Good job! I passed But as I was saying

There's gonna be sad times, and in order to be the perfect boyfriend, you have to be there to comfort her and know exactly what to say, even in the toughest situations Hey, G, what's wrong? – My grandfather just passed – So sorry Hey, he's in a better place now Hey, G, what's wrong? My dog ran away

I can't find him Oh, I'm so sorry Hey, he's in a better place now Hey, G, what's wrong? Nothing! I'm about to start my period, and Sarah used my last tampon Oh

I'm so sorry, but hey, it's in a better place– – Don't you say it! – Say what? You can't keep saying the same thing over and over again I'm just trying to comfort you It's not comforting! (sighs) I just don't understand why, just for once, you can't be like any other normal boyfriend, and comfort me like– (scary music) Ryan? Where'd you? (reading) I'm in a better place now Ryan! What the hell? Where are you? (Ryan) I told you already I'm in a better place Less yelly over here Well, what the heck? You can't just leave a note – and leave mid-conversation

– What note? – The note right here – (scary music) – Where'd the note go? – (cell phone rings) (Ryan) The note is in a better place now (scary music) Are you fricking kidding me?! (scary music) – What the–? – (scary music) (scary music) – Where did everybody–? – (scary music) (scary music) (Ryan) Welcome, G, to the better place (gasps) Hey! My dog (dog) Hi, G! And grandpa! You're back too

That must mean Where's my tampons? I'm sorry, the what? My tampons! It's that time of the month I need it, remember? Oh no, if you don't have those, you have to leave

What? This entire place is completely white You have to leave Are you making a period joke? Ohoh, no, no, no, no I wasn'tI wasn't trying– That's the one thing you NEVER do

Look, I was just– It's perfectly fine – (sharp, angry breaths) – You can stay We could use a little more color in here That is gross – I mean, that is not gross

– (growling) Because it's a perfect period of time for girls I mean, time period I mean, not period! Commas, punctuation marks! That was what I meant – (demonic screams) – PMS (gasps) Oh, bloody hell

(snarling) Just calm down, okay? (growling) (Ryan yelps) (farts) (gasps) (snickers) (sighs) It's just a natural process of life (Ryan) And that's the story, kids, of how I should've met your mother Tee hee! – (moist fart) – (gasps) Uh oh (panned laughter) No, that's not funny when you do it That's just gross

You're gross!

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